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Earthquake Appeal - Scraps & Stitches — LiveJournal
Earthquake Appeal

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.

Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.

One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning."

Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks

Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Scunthorpe" said the girl,
wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the ---- in Scunthorpe anyway?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh,
sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway
14 comments or Leave a comment
laurie_ky From: laurie_ky Date: February 29th, 2008 01:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
I snickered at this. Your tongue is firmly lodged in your cheek.
justmej From: justmej Date: February 29th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Years ago if you lived in Lincolnshire. You were from the way lower class, had webbed feet, inbred and no education. So it's still a running joke today.
starwatcher307 From: starwatcher307 Date: February 29th, 2008 01:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
*g* I giggled through the whole thing. If it wasn't for the house payments that keep me short, I'd be rushing to donate. Except for one thing...

Wellington Boots

If I could find those over here (for less than the cost of an aged bottle of rare wine), I'd keep them for myself.
justmej From: justmej Date: February 29th, 2008 02:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
I could not manage with out my wellies. Maybe next time I come to the states if I have room I can bring you a pair. Just remind me if I forget..
snailbones From: snailbones Date: February 29th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Wicked! *hg*

justmej From: justmej Date: February 29th, 2008 02:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Do you think they were casting aspersions on my heritage?
vamysteryfan From: vamysteryfan Date: February 29th, 2008 03:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was really funny!
justmej From: justmej Date: February 29th, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Folk's from Lincolnshire are looked on as being from the back woods.
luicat From: luicat Date: February 29th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Having lived in Licolnshire, and Boston in particular, I loved this! So true!
Thank you for the giggle.
justmej From: justmej Date: February 29th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wasn't it good! So good even if they hadn't said the word 'Lincolnshire' you would of known where they were talking about..Think I need to move!
luicat From: luicat Date: February 29th, 2008 07:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Think I need to move!

Well, you are far too interesting to live there!
(Unless you have a secret cabbage thing going on that we don't know about!)
justmej From: justmej Date: March 1st, 2008 02:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Not cabbage... Potato!!
alyburns From: alyburns Date: February 29th, 2008 09:24 pm (UTC) (Link)

Who is funnier?

Stephen Colbert or you?


ROTFLOL! Thank you for the laugh - mucho needed!!!!
justmej From: justmej Date: March 1st, 2008 02:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Who is funnier?

Always glad too help!
14 comments or Leave a comment