LINCOLNSHIRE EARTHQUAKE APPEAL PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY
A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.
Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.
Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.
One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning."
Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Scunthorpe" said the girl,
wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the ---- in Scunthorpe anyway?)
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh,
sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway